To judge from the adverts, Queen Mary 2 is a veddy, veddy British ship, right? The answer is, sort of, but not always in that good way. She is a Cunard ship, something you are never allowed to forget, given that every deck is plastered with “historic” Cunard posters and displays. But in fact, “Carnival Corporation & plc,” the Miami-based company that owns many of the major cruise ships today, also owns QM2. Carnival tries to give each of its lines “brand identity,” and Cunard is the “classy” brand. Words like “posh” and “traditional” describe her ships, and they work hard to keep up the image, from the plummy Thames Valley voice announcements in the elevator (“Deck Fowah”) to the well-scrubbed, Bristol-bright bridge officers. But thus is a classic case of selling the sizzle in place of the steak. Queen Mary 2 is about as authentically British as Disneyland’s “Main Street” is genuinely American. If you’re prone to like that sort of product placement, then QM2 may be just the ship for you.
Stephen Michael Payne, QM2’s chief designer, built her as a trans-Atlantic ocean liner, not a cruise ship. She has a much deeper draft hull than most cruisers. It takes about 33 feet of water to float QM2, meaning she cannot dock at many of the Caribbean destinations and other shallow ports favoured by the cruise industry. But that keel depth also gives her stability in the open sea and a capacity to cut through the waves that most cruise ships cannot match. Where they wallow, QM2 slices the water like a speedboat. Well done, Mr. Payne ….
But QM2’s interior is a kind of mash-up mixing Edwardian and Art Deco. There is a certain clientele for this kind of pseudo-historical rubbish, and it is mainly old people. QM2 is essentially a floating Old Age Home. On our trip, the average age was certainly well past sixty. This is not meant to be ageist. I am 73 myself, and as I have aged, I have become more aware of how bad design impinges on older people. By this standard, Queen Mary 2 is a shameful failure masquerading as a Downton Abbey set. Her design should accommodate the special needs of seniors far better than it does. Her sight-lines are broken and confusing, and her passageways often meander up and down staircases in utterly maddening ways. This is entirely Mr. Payne’s fault. Add some confusing – or completely absent – directional signs (which may or may not be Mr. Payne’s fault) and you create a burden on the elderly that any ship should be ashamed of. And for anyone with mobility issues, QM2 is a nightmare.
Better than the public areas. Inside cabins were intelligently designed to optimize space. My major complaint (apart from the business of no night-tights in the loos) is that the desk/vanity table juts into the footpath from the bed. It is awkward to navigate. Better design might have remediated this problem.